I've been doing a lot of flying lately and seeing a lot of films I wouldn't normally bother with. Including Next with Nicolas Cage.
So his character, let's call him Tooley, because he's a tool and I've forgotten his name, can see up to two minutes into the future. This means he can change his decisions based on this prior knowledge, and so he can win at blackjack, avoid apprehension by the fuzz, survive landslides and dodge bullets. But not, it seems, embezzle, steal, nail a job interview, get a root, or act.
Well, strictly, that second last one isn't true: he falls for a chick and manages to seduce her rather effectively inside about 18 hours, but then he has to use his skills to track down some terrorists with a nuclear bomb. Apparently all the other superheros were at their annual picnic that day.
This film would've been okay, I reckon, with an actor in the lead role. Perhaps the potted ficcus who narrowly missed the lead role in The Interpreter could have been given the part. Basically anyone or anything other than Mr Cage, Keanu Reeves or Kevin Kostner would have been less wooden and more interesting. But we are stuck with Mr Cage, a dress sense for Tooley that is so bad I'm actually commenting on wardrobe, and an ending that is seriously on a par with "and then I woke up." (On a par, not the same.)
All up, 0 Money Trains
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Three
It's been a while, and in that time I've seen some absolute shite. Particularly sequels to sequels. Let's begin:
Spiderman 3
Wow. What a ratshit film this one is. Not content with showing the travails of Peter Parker as a nerdy student and then nerdy reporter, the filmmakers show us Peter as a nerdy lover, too. Unlike any other superhero known to man, Spiderman cries like it's going out fashion, which for superheroes, it has.
The trouble starts with Peter Parker being a wet fish. It then goes on when he gets mysteriously covered with some ego-enhancing black goo from space which turns him into Evil Spiderman. Which is the funniest part of the whole film, particularly when he lets the audience know he's in Evil-mode by pushing his cow-lick down over his eye. Watching him strut down the street shooting pretty girls with double barrelled fingers to looks of bemusement is particularly entertaining.
Anyway, Spiderman then faces two more evil foes. The first is a bank robber with a heart of gold who finds himself turned to sand when he accidentally falls into an outdoor physics experiment whose only discernible purpose is to turn things into sand. ("Great Scott, Carruthers, I've found a process that turns things into sand without destroying their life force." "Well done, old bean, we'd better continue the tests in an open air pit to avoid any possible contamination.") The second foe is another photographer who becomes the unwitting recipient of the black space gunk. (You get this gunk off you by subjecting yourself to industrial-deafness levels of noise, and yet Spiderman's hearing isn't affected.) And then there's Harry, Green Goblin Junior who does, of course, turn good in the end, just in time to sacrifice his life for Spidey. Cue more tears.
Kirsten Dunst plays a MJ once again, and as always manages to pull off the trailer park trash look with aplomb. And once again, I found myself hoping the story would be true to the comics and her character would be killed off to make way for someone with interest.
All up, this is on a par with the original Spiderman film. Not Spiderman with Tobey Macguire, but the one from 1981. Still, better than Money Train. 1.5MT
Shrek 3
Oh. My. God. What a pile of steaming cow poo. This film is lame, that's all there is too it. Never mind the whole transgenic issues of donkeys rooting dragons to produce offspring, but this flick has none of the edge or the wit that the first had in abundance, and the second one had in one scene (where Fiona kills a bird in a singing contest and eats the eggs). Also better than Money Train. 1.5MT
Fabulous Four: The Something About The Silver Surfer.
OK, so it's #2, not #3. This is actually an alright film. In it, the Fabulous Four have come into cash, and lots of it, thanks to the sponsorship deals teed up by the Human Torch. Of course, the world is about to end again, other, possibly more capable superheroes are off on other business, so Mr Stretchy Pants, The Thing, Human Torch and the Disappearing Chick step up to save the day, right in the middle of the wedding of Stretch Armstrong and Invisible Blonde.
Stan Lee makes his trademark appearance when he tries to get into the wedding. "I should be on the invitation list," he says, "I'm Stan Lee." "I don't think so," says the bouncer and sends him packing. Classic stuff for the comic book nerds out there.
Oh, did I mention there's this dude with a flying surfboard who has the two great powers of being able to resurrect the dead and show the footy on his stomach-TV? He turns out to be good, but forced to be bad. But before we find that out, there's one of those chases that winds up in space. It turns out, if this film is to be believed, that space doesn't have enough oxygen to maintain the Human Torch's fire, but does have enough to enable him to breath and there's enough pressure to stop his blood from boiling. Who'd've guessed?
3.0 Money Trains
X-Men 3
Or X-Men Apocalyse. Yep, there's plenty of death and gore in this film, and not much science.
Lesson 1: Conservation of matter.
OK, so you can regrow your limbs when they're cut off, like a lizard, only faster. Obviously, the new flesh has to come from your body, which means you'll need to eat. So when Wolverine cuts off your arms so many times there's a pile of arms equal to your original body weight lying on the floor, how much of you do you reckon will be left?
(This law of Thermodynamics is addressed in The Flash comics, apparently, but not in other superhero films. Spiderman, for example: he shoots his sticky web-load some 3,000 times and covers half of NY in his gunk, but never gets thinner!)
Lesson 2: Evolution.
No, evolution is not about random, fully formed mutation. How many mutations of your DNA would you need to grow wings, generate feathers, decrease your bone density to than of a bird and shit constantly to keep your weight down? I'm not a geneticist, but I'm guessing it's a lot.
Now you might say, it's a film, let it go. And for some things, like self-healing, life-force-sucking, power-over-metal, I'm willing to, especially when weird radioactive substances are to blame. But when you say at the start of the first film that it's about mutation and evolution, and one of the characters can turn into metal, I start to think the Intelligent Design people are financing the whole thing to discredit Darwin.
Anyway, in this one, Jean Grey is back from an unnecessary death (she had the mental power to control the flood that killed her from the plane, why did she get into the water?) and is evil in a oops-I-killed-my-boyfriend-with-a-brain-fart kind of way. She's teamed up with Mephisto, or Metallico, or Magneto, or whatever he's called. Together, they kill as many people as they can until, in an all-destructing maelstrom, Wolverine is forced to bring the film to climax. Which is ironic considering that's all he ever wanted to do with Jean.
Now, I would have scored this 3.0MT, but it has Vinnie Jones in it, plus everyone gets around in ridiculous head gear. Therefore: 2.5 Money Trains
Spiderman 3
Wow. What a ratshit film this one is. Not content with showing the travails of Peter Parker as a nerdy student and then nerdy reporter, the filmmakers show us Peter as a nerdy lover, too. Unlike any other superhero known to man, Spiderman cries like it's going out fashion, which for superheroes, it has.
The trouble starts with Peter Parker being a wet fish. It then goes on when he gets mysteriously covered with some ego-enhancing black goo from space which turns him into Evil Spiderman. Which is the funniest part of the whole film, particularly when he lets the audience know he's in Evil-mode by pushing his cow-lick down over his eye. Watching him strut down the street shooting pretty girls with double barrelled fingers to looks of bemusement is particularly entertaining.
Anyway, Spiderman then faces two more evil foes. The first is a bank robber with a heart of gold who finds himself turned to sand when he accidentally falls into an outdoor physics experiment whose only discernible purpose is to turn things into sand. ("Great Scott, Carruthers, I've found a process that turns things into sand without destroying their life force." "Well done, old bean, we'd better continue the tests in an open air pit to avoid any possible contamination.") The second foe is another photographer who becomes the unwitting recipient of the black space gunk. (You get this gunk off you by subjecting yourself to industrial-deafness levels of noise, and yet Spiderman's hearing isn't affected.) And then there's Harry, Green Goblin Junior who does, of course, turn good in the end, just in time to sacrifice his life for Spidey. Cue more tears.
Kirsten Dunst plays a MJ once again, and as always manages to pull off the trailer park trash look with aplomb. And once again, I found myself hoping the story would be true to the comics and her character would be killed off to make way for someone with interest.
All up, this is on a par with the original Spiderman film. Not Spiderman with Tobey Macguire, but the one from 1981. Still, better than Money Train. 1.5MT
Shrek 3
Oh. My. God. What a pile of steaming cow poo. This film is lame, that's all there is too it. Never mind the whole transgenic issues of donkeys rooting dragons to produce offspring, but this flick has none of the edge or the wit that the first had in abundance, and the second one had in one scene (where Fiona kills a bird in a singing contest and eats the eggs). Also better than Money Train. 1.5MT
Fabulous Four: The Something About The Silver Surfer.
OK, so it's #2, not #3. This is actually an alright film. In it, the Fabulous Four have come into cash, and lots of it, thanks to the sponsorship deals teed up by the Human Torch. Of course, the world is about to end again, other, possibly more capable superheroes are off on other business, so Mr Stretchy Pants, The Thing, Human Torch and the Disappearing Chick step up to save the day, right in the middle of the wedding of Stretch Armstrong and Invisible Blonde.
Stan Lee makes his trademark appearance when he tries to get into the wedding. "I should be on the invitation list," he says, "I'm Stan Lee." "I don't think so," says the bouncer and sends him packing. Classic stuff for the comic book nerds out there.
Oh, did I mention there's this dude with a flying surfboard who has the two great powers of being able to resurrect the dead and show the footy on his stomach-TV? He turns out to be good, but forced to be bad. But before we find that out, there's one of those chases that winds up in space. It turns out, if this film is to be believed, that space doesn't have enough oxygen to maintain the Human Torch's fire, but does have enough to enable him to breath and there's enough pressure to stop his blood from boiling. Who'd've guessed?
3.0 Money Trains
X-Men 3
Or X-Men Apocalyse. Yep, there's plenty of death and gore in this film, and not much science.
Lesson 1: Conservation of matter.
OK, so you can regrow your limbs when they're cut off, like a lizard, only faster. Obviously, the new flesh has to come from your body, which means you'll need to eat. So when Wolverine cuts off your arms so many times there's a pile of arms equal to your original body weight lying on the floor, how much of you do you reckon will be left?
(This law of Thermodynamics is addressed in The Flash comics, apparently, but not in other superhero films. Spiderman, for example: he shoots his sticky web-load some 3,000 times and covers half of NY in his gunk, but never gets thinner!)
Lesson 2: Evolution.
No, evolution is not about random, fully formed mutation. How many mutations of your DNA would you need to grow wings, generate feathers, decrease your bone density to than of a bird and shit constantly to keep your weight down? I'm not a geneticist, but I'm guessing it's a lot.
Now you might say, it's a film, let it go. And for some things, like self-healing, life-force-sucking, power-over-metal, I'm willing to, especially when weird radioactive substances are to blame. But when you say at the start of the first film that it's about mutation and evolution, and one of the characters can turn into metal, I start to think the Intelligent Design people are financing the whole thing to discredit Darwin.
Anyway, in this one, Jean Grey is back from an unnecessary death (she had the mental power to control the flood that killed her from the plane, why did she get into the water?) and is evil in a oops-I-killed-my-boyfriend-with-a-brain-fart kind of way. She's teamed up with Mephisto, or Metallico, or Magneto, or whatever he's called. Together, they kill as many people as they can until, in an all-destructing maelstrom, Wolverine is forced to bring the film to climax. Which is ironic considering that's all he ever wanted to do with Jean.
Now, I would have scored this 3.0MT, but it has Vinnie Jones in it, plus everyone gets around in ridiculous head gear. Therefore: 2.5 Money Trains
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Book Review: The Kite Runner
(By Khaled Hosseini)
Amir is a young lad growing up in Afghanistan in the seventies with his best friend, Hassan, who is also his low caste servant. On the day of the local kite competition Amir, desperate to win his father’s approval, wins and Hassan loyally chases down, or runs, the last kite cut, only to run foul of the local teenaged, Hitler-loving bully, Assef. What follows is witnessed by Amir, but he lacks the courage to stop it.
This incident sours Amir’s relationship with Hassan and it’s just after this point that he has to flee to America with his father due to the Russian invasion. The story kicks around reasonably well from here for a while, as we see Amir grow, fall in love and get married. In 2001, he receives a call beckoning him back to Afghanistan to finally seek redemption for the guilt he feels over the kite running incident of 1975.
The story to this point is poignant and touching, but then Mr Hosseini tugs a little hard at the heart strings and his story descends into daytime telemovie cliché like an out of control kite. The first comes early in the third act and is hinted at pretty strongly by the set up in the second act, which also sets up cliché #2. Things, naturally, don’t go smoothly for Amir once he’s back in Kabul (#3 & #4), leading to a run-in with Assef, now relishing life in the Taliban (#5 ). The climax of this little incident (#7)is as hackneyed as you could possibly hope for and would actually be funny if you weren’t so disappointed.
As the third act draws to a close the reader might be wondering why there are so many pages to go, and the unwelcome appearance of a hurriedly written fourth act is the answer. This is possibly worse than the last few chapters, as cliché #2 is finally expressed fully for those too thick not to have gotten it yet, and then a complicating factor is thrown in which is pointless, unrealistic and just badly handled from start to finish. The last page and a half gives a final tug at the heart strings as we witness Amir, finally free of guilt for 1975 (but devoid of guilt for 2001) running a kite for Hassan’s son.
This is a shame as Mr Hosseini writes superbly at the beginning of the book, actually causing me to wonder for a while whether it was autobiographical. If he can overcome the Matthew Reilly clichés, he could be a top class author.
Amir is a young lad growing up in Afghanistan in the seventies with his best friend, Hassan, who is also his low caste servant. On the day of the local kite competition Amir, desperate to win his father’s approval, wins and Hassan loyally chases down, or runs, the last kite cut, only to run foul of the local teenaged, Hitler-loving bully, Assef. What follows is witnessed by Amir, but he lacks the courage to stop it.
This incident sours Amir’s relationship with Hassan and it’s just after this point that he has to flee to America with his father due to the Russian invasion. The story kicks around reasonably well from here for a while, as we see Amir grow, fall in love and get married. In 2001, he receives a call beckoning him back to Afghanistan to finally seek redemption for the guilt he feels over the kite running incident of 1975.
The story to this point is poignant and touching, but then Mr Hosseini tugs a little hard at the heart strings and his story descends into daytime telemovie cliché like an out of control kite. The first comes early in the third act and is hinted at pretty strongly by the set up in the second act, which also sets up cliché #2. Things, naturally, don’t go smoothly for Amir once he’s back in Kabul (#3 & #4), leading to a run-in with Assef, now relishing life in the Taliban (#5 ). The climax of this little incident (#7)is as hackneyed as you could possibly hope for and would actually be funny if you weren’t so disappointed.
As the third act draws to a close the reader might be wondering why there are so many pages to go, and the unwelcome appearance of a hurriedly written fourth act is the answer. This is possibly worse than the last few chapters, as cliché #2 is finally expressed fully for those too thick not to have gotten it yet, and then a complicating factor is thrown in which is pointless, unrealistic and just badly handled from start to finish. The last page and a half gives a final tug at the heart strings as we witness Amir, finally free of guilt for 1975 (but devoid of guilt for 2001) running a kite for Hassan’s son.
This is a shame as Mr Hosseini writes superbly at the beginning of the book, actually causing me to wonder for a while whether it was autobiographical. If he can overcome the Matthew Reilly clichés, he could be a top class author.
Friday, May 25, 2007
The Sentinel; Transporter 2; Smokin' Aces; The Good Shepherd; .45; Vanilla Sky
Wow, I've been dead-set slack with the film reviews, especially considering I've watched so damned many in the past two months. So here's a quick run down on some of the worst:
The Sentinel (2.5 Money Trains)
If it weren't for the Chinese DVD lady coming to my door and flogging this to me for Dh10, I would never have seen it. It's about a US Secret Service guy (Michael Douglas) who is still feeling guilty that it took a passer-by to take down the guy who shot Reagan, and who gets framed for a plot to pop the current Prez. Keifer Sutherland plays the whispering Secret Service agent who is after the first guy, and Eva Longerina (whatever, the chick from Desperate Housewives) plays a totally redundant role. I'm not even sure she had a speaking part, now I think of it, but she is on the picture on the DVD holding a gun with the boys.
Looking back at my original scoring system, I'll have to give this 2.5 Money Trains, because it beats the crap out of Matrix Reloaded. It's a colour by numbers job and no obvious flaws that make reviewing these films such fun. (Except of course, everyone believes Michael Douglas's character is guilt despite a long service record, a total lack of motive and flimsy circumstantial evidence at best.)
Transporter 2 (3.0 Money Trains)
Yep, up there with Cliff Hanger. A fun film where David Stratham gets into more ridiculous situations involving fights and guns and, in this one, a plane that crashes into the sea mid-fight and he and the bad guy survive. Need I say more? Awesome flick. 3.0 MT
Smokin' Aces (3.0 Money Trains)
Another silly shoot-em-up film with a few big name actors getting covered in tomato sauce. Everyone's out to get some mafia guy - the FBI for evidence, a bunch of hitmen and hitwomen for cash. Things go balls up, lot's of characters die, often in amusing ways. And let's face it, any way that Ben Afleck's character dies is going to bring a smile to your lips. 3.0 MT
The Good Shepherd (0 Money Trains)
Lots of good actors, Robert De Niro directing, a plot about the CIA. Such potential. Such a glacial pace. This film came in at about 2.5 hours, I think, but it seemed longer. It didn't exactly depart from standard cinematic conventions, but it seemed like a one act film. God it was turgid. Zero Money Trains.
.45 (-2.0 Money Trains)
I read some reviews of this film on IMDB.com and people were gushing about the realistic acting in the scene where Milla Jovocich gets beaten by the boyfriend. To those people (who were probably only watching it hoping to get another glimpse of Milla's bits), I say see Once Were Warriors.
This film, according to the cover, is about a girl who plots to bump off her abusive boyfriend after the aforementioned bit of biffo. They are "gritty, seedy, criminal underbelly types" say this film's supporters, rather than the sanitised sort we normally see.
So the hell what? The characters are vacuous and one dimensional, as is the script and frankly, when the girl gets beaten up you find yourself not caring a jot. It was a this point I ejected the DVD and threw it in the bin. Don't waste your money or your time. -2.o MT
Vanilla Sky (unrated)
Haven't seen it. (Sorry Matt!) I did see Open Your Eyes, though, the original Spanish film it was based on and really liked it. You also get to see Penelope Cruz's knockers but it was done in such a way that you didn't know in the end if the guy was mad, if he was dreaming or if he was in a virtual world. (Well, I didn't know.) I'm told there was no such question in the American version, plus it had Tom Cruise, so it must be crap.
The Sentinel (2.5 Money Trains)
If it weren't for the Chinese DVD lady coming to my door and flogging this to me for Dh10, I would never have seen it. It's about a US Secret Service guy (Michael Douglas) who is still feeling guilty that it took a passer-by to take down the guy who shot Reagan, and who gets framed for a plot to pop the current Prez. Keifer Sutherland plays the whispering Secret Service agent who is after the first guy, and Eva Longerina (whatever, the chick from Desperate Housewives) plays a totally redundant role. I'm not even sure she had a speaking part, now I think of it, but she is on the picture on the DVD holding a gun with the boys.
Looking back at my original scoring system, I'll have to give this 2.5 Money Trains, because it beats the crap out of Matrix Reloaded. It's a colour by numbers job and no obvious flaws that make reviewing these films such fun. (Except of course, everyone believes Michael Douglas's character is guilt despite a long service record, a total lack of motive and flimsy circumstantial evidence at best.)
Transporter 2 (3.0 Money Trains)
Yep, up there with Cliff Hanger. A fun film where David Stratham gets into more ridiculous situations involving fights and guns and, in this one, a plane that crashes into the sea mid-fight and he and the bad guy survive. Need I say more? Awesome flick. 3.0 MT
Smokin' Aces (3.0 Money Trains)
Another silly shoot-em-up film with a few big name actors getting covered in tomato sauce. Everyone's out to get some mafia guy - the FBI for evidence, a bunch of hitmen and hitwomen for cash. Things go balls up, lot's of characters die, often in amusing ways. And let's face it, any way that Ben Afleck's character dies is going to bring a smile to your lips. 3.0 MT
The Good Shepherd (0 Money Trains)
Lots of good actors, Robert De Niro directing, a plot about the CIA. Such potential. Such a glacial pace. This film came in at about 2.5 hours, I think, but it seemed longer. It didn't exactly depart from standard cinematic conventions, but it seemed like a one act film. God it was turgid. Zero Money Trains.
.45 (-2.0 Money Trains)
I read some reviews of this film on IMDB.com and people were gushing about the realistic acting in the scene where Milla Jovocich gets beaten by the boyfriend. To those people (who were probably only watching it hoping to get another glimpse of Milla's bits), I say see Once Were Warriors.
This film, according to the cover, is about a girl who plots to bump off her abusive boyfriend after the aforementioned bit of biffo. They are "gritty, seedy, criminal underbelly types" say this film's supporters, rather than the sanitised sort we normally see.
So the hell what? The characters are vacuous and one dimensional, as is the script and frankly, when the girl gets beaten up you find yourself not caring a jot. It was a this point I ejected the DVD and threw it in the bin. Don't waste your money or your time. -2.o MT
Vanilla Sky (unrated)
Haven't seen it. (Sorry Matt!) I did see Open Your Eyes, though, the original Spanish film it was based on and really liked it. You also get to see Penelope Cruz's knockers but it was done in such a way that you didn't know in the end if the guy was mad, if he was dreaming or if he was in a virtual world. (Well, I didn't know.) I'm told there was no such question in the American version, plus it had Tom Cruise, so it must be crap.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Five Fingers (2.5 Money Trains)
The best thing about Five Fingers is that you know within minutes that pretty boy Ryan Phillippe, (playing a kidnapped Dutch do-gooder, or possibly terrorist), is going to lose, count 'em, five fingers. And that's worth watching, right?
Yessir, seeing self-righteous political activists lose appendages is right up there with watching schoolgirl full contact rugby. Especially self-righteous political activists with appalling Dutch accents.
The film starts with Phillippes character (it was a while ago, I forget the name) and his older mate (played by Colm Meanie, or whatever the spelling is), getting kidnapped in Morocco by some terrorists and being accused by them of being a spy. "No no", cries Dutchie, "I'm on your side." "Oh yeah? Prove it! And check out these great secaturs and rusty hacksaw blades."
What follows is a painful interrogation (largely due to the accent!) between Phillippe and Laurence Fishburne's character.
This isn't a bad film, but it's not great. Definitely better than Matrix Reloaded, but not as good as Cliffhanger.
Yessir, seeing self-righteous political activists lose appendages is right up there with watching schoolgirl full contact rugby. Especially self-righteous political activists with appalling Dutch accents.
The film starts with Phillippes character (it was a while ago, I forget the name) and his older mate (played by Colm Meanie, or whatever the spelling is), getting kidnapped in Morocco by some terrorists and being accused by them of being a spy. "No no", cries Dutchie, "I'm on your side." "Oh yeah? Prove it! And check out these great secaturs and rusty hacksaw blades."
What follows is a painful interrogation (largely due to the accent!) between Phillippe and Laurence Fishburne's character.
This isn't a bad film, but it's not great. Definitely better than Matrix Reloaded, but not as good as Cliffhanger.
Walk The Line & Beerfest
Just to prove I review good films, too, (even if it isn't as much fun):
Walk The Line, the Johnny Cash biopic, is really good, with excellent performance from Joachim Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. It chronicles Cash's rise to fame, his drug abuse and collapse and his eventual getting it together with ... you know, that country music singer that Witherspoon plays. (Hey, I'm not a professional reviewer, Cash is the famous one, see the film to find out her name.) Anyway, the Cash we see is a pretty ugly character at times, but that suggests it's pretty accurate.
Beerfest is funny. From the same filmmakers as Super Troopers and Club Dread, this is low brow ridiculousness near its best. Two brothers stumble across the beer Olympics at Oktoberfest, have their family honour insulted, and vow to return the next year to win. They get a team together and train hard for 12 months at the time-honoured sport of drinking beer. (This film was actually inspired by the film makers getting caned in a boat race in the Gold Coast when touring Australia to promote Super Troopers.)
Walk The Line, the Johnny Cash biopic, is really good, with excellent performance from Joachim Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. It chronicles Cash's rise to fame, his drug abuse and collapse and his eventual getting it together with ... you know, that country music singer that Witherspoon plays. (Hey, I'm not a professional reviewer, Cash is the famous one, see the film to find out her name.) Anyway, the Cash we see is a pretty ugly character at times, but that suggests it's pretty accurate.
Beerfest is funny. From the same filmmakers as Super Troopers and Club Dread, this is low brow ridiculousness near its best. Two brothers stumble across the beer Olympics at Oktoberfest, have their family honour insulted, and vow to return the next year to win. They get a team together and train hard for 12 months at the time-honoured sport of drinking beer. (This film was actually inspired by the film makers getting caned in a boat race in the Gold Coast when touring Australia to promote Super Troopers.)
Journey To The End Of The Night (0 Money Trains)
Oh.
My.
God.
I was in Karama buying illicit DVDs the other day. My dealer had been busted so I was trying out a new bloke - good prints, but a high price and a poor selection. I walked away with "Journey". I'd never heard of it, but it's got Brendan Fraser (playing Paul, a coked up pimp in Sao Paulo), Mos Def (a dishwasher turned drug courier called Wemba) and Scott Glenn (Paul's dad, also a pimp). So I think to myself: some good actors, promising story, I'll buy it.
Big mistake.
This film is so bad I'm thinking of inventing a new scale just for it. The big problem was that the actors forgot to act. Mos Def turned in his usual mumbling performance and was the stand out performer, but Scott Glenn looked like he was auditioning for the Kevin Costner - Keanu Reeves School of Performance Art, while Brendan Fraser seemingly confused "bad ass" with "bad".
Plot wise, this is one stupid film. When the pimping family's (sorry, I forget the surname) super athletic-looking drug courier dies of a heart attack while rooting a transvestite prostitute (why?), Dad (Glenn) has to find a replacement who can speak some African language so he can sell a suitcase full of Charlie. Enter Wemba (Def. Or is it Mos?) Meanwhile the dad's son, Paul (Fraser), plans to cut the old man out of the deal and abscond with the money and his dad's hot younger wife.
Naturally, things go wrong. Wemba gets mugged (by lazy muggers who forget to take his backpack full of cash) and can't report in, Paul gets in an unnecessary fight with the tranny hooker (coincidence, only), the vice squad shows up and wants a piece of the action, and oh yeah, Paul's doing his step mother.
There are too many stupid details that just aren't necessary, too many stupid side characters that don't add anything, a total lack of common sense from anyone in the film, and an ending
that just screams "I ran out of ideas, how about everyone pulls out a gun?" I think I understand now why I'd never heard of this film. A big Zero from me.
My.
God.
I was in Karama buying illicit DVDs the other day. My dealer had been busted so I was trying out a new bloke - good prints, but a high price and a poor selection. I walked away with "Journey". I'd never heard of it, but it's got Brendan Fraser (playing Paul, a coked up pimp in Sao Paulo), Mos Def (a dishwasher turned drug courier called Wemba) and Scott Glenn (Paul's dad, also a pimp). So I think to myself: some good actors, promising story, I'll buy it.
Big mistake.
This film is so bad I'm thinking of inventing a new scale just for it. The big problem was that the actors forgot to act. Mos Def turned in his usual mumbling performance and was the stand out performer, but Scott Glenn looked like he was auditioning for the Kevin Costner - Keanu Reeves School of Performance Art, while Brendan Fraser seemingly confused "bad ass" with "bad".
Plot wise, this is one stupid film. When the pimping family's (sorry, I forget the surname) super athletic-looking drug courier dies of a heart attack while rooting a transvestite prostitute (why?), Dad (Glenn) has to find a replacement who can speak some African language so he can sell a suitcase full of Charlie. Enter Wemba (Def. Or is it Mos?) Meanwhile the dad's son, Paul (Fraser), plans to cut the old man out of the deal and abscond with the money and his dad's hot younger wife.
Naturally, things go wrong. Wemba gets mugged (by lazy muggers who forget to take his backpack full of cash) and can't report in, Paul gets in an unnecessary fight with the tranny hooker (coincidence, only), the vice squad shows up and wants a piece of the action, and oh yeah, Paul's doing his step mother.
There are too many stupid details that just aren't necessary, too many stupid side characters that don't add anything, a total lack of common sense from anyone in the film, and an ending
that just screams "I ran out of ideas, how about everyone pulls out a gun?" I think I understand now why I'd never heard of this film. A big Zero from me.
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