There's an episode of Family Guy where Peter makes a film called Steel Vaginas, at the end of which Joe Swanson, the paraplegic, remarks: "Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore."
I know how he feels. Dolemite is simply woeful. In fact, I've had a hard time rating it, as I can't decide whether it's worse than Storm. On the other hand, it is apparently a very famous Blaxploitation film, has been influential to rappers every since, and is full of pimpin' outfits, sleazy politicians, amusingly bad acting, and great lines like:
"I got your "boy" hangin', you no-business, born insecure, jock-jawed, motha fuckas!"
Dolomite is about a guy - a pimp and "underworld personality" (as Australian news services say) - who is released from jail to find out who is really causing all the crime in Ward 4 of LA. Or to stop a drug deal, or gun smuggling, or something. The police, it seems, are not up to the task, especially the two crooked cops who spend the movie trying to put Dolemite back in jail.
The crime wave, it turns out, is due to Willie Green, another pimp and underworld personality, who is actually working for the Mayor (who does a disturbing nude scene). Of course, all the baddies want to kill Dolemite, but he is too stone-cold and his moves too fast, plus he is aided by Queen Bee's Karate Killers (high kicking hookers, to you and me): no-one can get near him. You dig?
(By stone-cold I mean wooden, and by fast I mean wooden. Just thought I'd clear that up.)
Dolemite (the movie) does away with several cinematic conventions. For starters, it ignores the convention that boom mikes should be kept out of shot, and reflectors should be held steady. It also does away with the convention that plot points should link up in some way or be cut, not left in leaving you wondering just what was the point of going down to the wharves to discover something about drug smuggling.
Traditional methods of editing are also not part of this groundbreaking film, with characters often talking to the spot where the other guy no longer is (eg, the warden in the opening scene talking to Dolemite). And on the warden: what the hell? Since when do prison wardens decide whether a guy should be released to prove his innocence? Isn't there some kind of "court" system, and "legal process" for that?
Then there's the whole fight sequence thing (think Star Trek. The original one), the acting thing (think Storm, or Prisoner (Cell Block H)) and for me, one of the highlights: the car chase.
I've never seen a car chase at 30kph before, and let me tell you, it's not very exciting. Even though they tried to borrow some ideas from Bullitt, the chase is just laughable - but no so obviously laughable to be comedy. It's more like they wanted, really wanted, to do a car chase but forgot to get permission and get the streets closed, and didn't know how to drive very well.
So what's left: how about unexplained characters? Like the Hamburger Pimp, who Dolemite lets get high before offering up information, and then some hoods burst in and kill him anyway. What was that all about? Or the militant Reverend - still haven't worked out why he was in it.
And finally, I have to mention the clothes. This had me laughing all the way through. When Dolemite first gets out of prison, he stips off and pimps up, with frilly shirts, big bow ties, and furry fedoras. (Then takes the clothes off again once his in the car and his hoes give him a warm welcome back to freedom.) The pimp-wear in this flick is hilarious, with lapels to the shoulders, collars about eight inches down the back, custard yellow suits with black piping, and capes. Yes, capes. In one scene, Dolemite wears not one, but two capes. But my favourite is the coat worn by the (good-guy) FBI man (also known as "the one who no-one knows until it's time") at the end. First, think plum plaid sports coat. Then take off the lapels, button it on the belly, and then cut out a square bib. Truly horrendous.
Back to the rating: as a film, it's unratable. It is that bad. The acting, the technical stuff, the plot: all appalling. But it does have some kind of entertainment value: the great lines ("That rat-soup eatin', insecure, honkey mutha-fucka!"), the hilarious clothes, and the baffling plot developments. All up, I've decided the entertainment + the poor quality = -4.0 Money Trains.
