Snakes On A Plane (0 Money Trains)

It's true: you don't need to see this film to know what's going to happen. Deadly snakes get loose on a plane, countless people die, including both pilots, and the audience laughs its arse off, while the heroes think of ways to kill said snakes. And yes, you know that these ways will include fire, fire-extinguishers and plane depressurisation.

But these aren't any old snakes, they're super-deadly, angry snakes that can climb anything and kill people instantly with a single bite. Unless it's a small child that gets bitten, in which case he'll survive long enough to have someone cut the wound and suck out the poison, never mind that that's a guaranteed way to introduce venom, that's almost cerainly in the lymphatic system, into the bloodstream. No one, not a single person, gets a snake wound strapped and immobillised.

And of course it's not your regular plane with four levels of redundancy: oh no, one rogue snake in the electrical switchboard will cut the avionics on this baby and the lights will go out for the duration. And, of course, physics doesn't play a major role: tail winds don't matter if you say they don't, and rapid depressurisation doesn't result in boiling of liquids (eg, blood), freezing condensation in the cabin, or fatal thermal shock.

Snakes On A Plane was directed by David Ellis, who also did Cellular, so that should give you some idea. And if that doesn't, Samuel L Jackson is in it, too.

But why are they even on the plane, you ask? It's an assassination attempt using venomous snakes to top the witness for the prosecution. So why the 20 foot anaconda?

Into The Blue (3.5 Money Trains)

I watched Into The Blue the other night. My sister picked it up cheap in Thailand. The picture quality was fine, as was the audio, although the English language option sounded suspiciously like French, (but at least the subtitles worked).

If you don’t know, this is about some beautiful people stumbling across some sunken treasure AND a sunken plane-load of cocaine in Barbados. As you might expect, the drug dealers can’t find the plane themselves because it’s in about 10m of crystal clear water and so is mysteriously invisible from above, and as you might also expect, the beautiful people get caught up with said dealers.

The diving scenes are realistic … in a Dangerous Dan of the Truk Stop Hotel kind of way: the main characters can stay submerged and swim around underwater without tanks for several minutes and to insane depths, they can penetrate plane wrecks on that same breath and never suffer shallow water blackout or outright drowning, and when they really need to breath, they even know how to breath directly off a cylinder (“it’s a real confidence builder, I don’t why they don’t teach it anymore” says Dangerous Dan), and a total beach bum with no money and no prospects in a Barbadan backwater gets to go diving (and more) with Jessica Alba. Oh, and it’s similarly realistic in its portrayal of man’s ability to smash the valve out of a cylinder, while holding his breath underwater, using nothing more than a rock.

This film does actually have a bit of a plot which would hold together if you completely ignored physics (and largely ignored logic and common sense) and had never been swimming in your life. Plus it has Jessica Alba in it, so that alone is worth the price, boys. (Especially when she has that sexy French accent.) Interestingly, the guy I pegged as being shark bait at the start survived, although he was one of the few.

I give this one my highest scores ever, at 3.5 Money Trains

Vertical Limit (1.0 Money Train)

I know that in movies the viewer is expected to accept what goes on. And that's fine. So when Peter Parker gets spider powers, I say Fine, I can accept that. (I'd have preferred a radioactive spider from a good-science point of view, but I'll accept none the less). Or when Sean Connery gets the girl in his later films (eg, Entrapment, but CZJ did marry Michael Douglas, so go figure), I can accept that, too. Or when the bus in Speed gets air off a flat bit of road to leap a huge gap, I figure that's okay, too. And in Vertical Limit I support the film makers for all the exciting stuff with hanging off cliffs by an ice-axe, and even an avalanche coming off hardpacked, not steep snow. But then they go too far.

The nitroglycerin is big problem number 1 in this film. I don't mind that they take it in the first place, or that they bang it around with abandon all the way up the mountain. It's sealed in a damped vacuum flask, obviously. Fine. But it suddenly reacts with sunlight, from INSIDE the flask! And the Pakistanis had never noticed before. Well, maybe they're dim. But that doesn't change the fact that it's reacting from INSIDE a VACUUM flask! And only AFTER they're told it reacts. They'd been walking for hours with the flasks in the sun with no effect. Stupid, stupid science.

Of course, no-one needs to bother with nitro in the first place because no real climber would risk all to save someone in that situation. It's not that they'd be callous, it's that the maths doesn't add up. They have 30-odd hours (40?) to get to the girl and save her. Her lungs are full of fluid, she can barely move, she's been above 24,000ft for ages without oxygen. As Wicks says, she's screwed. But they get there in the nick of time, just minutes before she's due to succumb. Great! Climatic ending! Hoorah! It's like disarming the bomb with just 1 second to go. The difference of course, is that, unlike a bomb, they still have to get her back down the hill. A hill that almost killed them coming up, and along a route that involved a massive leap across an even more massive void. (Remember that, when Peter took a running leap off a cliff, despite not being altitude fit, at an alitude where every step is an effort, floated through the air, and buried his ice axes into solid rock?) At least in the film "K2" when they rescued someone, a helicopter showed up suddently to get them down quickly.

On the upside, it has Ben Mendleson and TWO other aussies who play aussies. Still, 1 Money Train for the completely disregard of science and mountain realities.

Touching The Void (5 out of 5)

Look, I can even review good films!

Touching The Void is a documentary so is absolutely faithful to mountain realities, no matter how unbelievable. It's about Joe Simpson and Simon Yates who were climbing in the Andes in 1985. Joe fell and broke his leg at around 22,000 feet, which alone should have killed him. Other things that should have killed him over four very nasty days include: exposure; being cut loose to fall from a cliff; falling in a crevasse; a dodgy snow bridge; lack of food and water; blood loss; navigating a glacier solo; being left to die. But Joe survived, wrote one of the best books ever (same title), and now helps narrate the only movie ever made that is as good as the book. Basically, when it comes to survival, this guy makes Welshmen who walk around in the middle of winter in just a tee-shirt and not even their nipples go hard look like mincing namby pambies, and he makes that bloke in the States who cut off his own arm look a little soft. See this film. 5/5

Minority Report

Every now and again an okay film comes along that I don't want to completely tear to shreds, but do want to point out some huge plot holes. Here are two itemised lists of errors from the archives:

Minority Report

1.
In order to access the Pre-Crime HQ, John Anderton must avoid the security system, based on eye scans. He therefore changes eyes. These assist him in getting into, or at least near, the building, presumeably, but when he actually wants to get to the guts of the place, the really high security bit, the bit the authorities want him least, he uses his own eyes. Lucky for him no-one bothered to update the security system once Anderton became a criminal.

2.
When Lamar slots the federal agent in Anderton's apartment he must have planned to get the Fed there when the Precog's weren't working in order to kill him. This is premeditation, which should have been picked up by the precogs before one of them was stolen.

3.
Anderton only really got interested in solving the Who-killed-mummy puzzle once he'd been framed. And he'd only been framed in order to stop him solving the Who-killed-mummy puzzle. Therefore, the act of framing was the only thing that necessitated the act of framing.

4.
Anderton only wound up in the frame (ie, in a room with an actor and lots of photos) because he saw himself there in the future. Surely the chain of events is:

1. Pay guy to go to room, with promise of money for family (And this orchestration of murder really makes Lamar the murderer here, which perhaps whould have been flagged by the Precogs)
2. Sit back and wait for Anderton to stumble across the room. But why would he? Because of the set-up? Where's the cause and effect?

Spiderman

1.
Spidey's hanging under a bridge (one arm) holding a gondola (2nd arm). Why doesn't the Green Goblin just shoot him? ("Dad, I've got a gun in my room. I'll go and get it. We can shoot him together. C'mon, it'll be fun!" "You just don't get it, do you, Scott?")

2.
Okay, so he's got wee barbs in his hands, and presumeably other bits, too. But he climbs on his fingertips (wouldn't his weight pull off the skin?) and, at an early stage, his sneakers. ie, his whole weight is on his fingertips when e first climbs a wall. He even perches on a pole in his sneakers. Maybe he can smear really well (were they 5-10s?), but surely the foot-barbs weren't several inches long.

3.
Who made the suit? Surely a tailor somewhere in the city would think, when he/she saw newspaper adds for information, "Mmmm, I made a suit like that for a ... let me check the invoices ... Peter Parker." At the least he/she could give a description to the police.

4.
How many suits does he have? Surely he must wear one and wash one. And does he hang it on the line? Or is it dry-clean only? And even if he just washes it at home and bungs it in the drier (not too good for Lycra. It must be cotton. Or wool: it didn't catch fire in the burning building. But then it's dry clean and definitely no driers) he's got to store it somewhere. What happens when the roommate, Green Goblin Jnr, goes to borrow a jacket. ("Shirt. Shirt. Shirt. Pants. Pants. Shirt. Spiderman outfit. Shirt. Pants. Jacket - here we go.")

5.
Does the suit have a gusset or does he have to nude up to go to the gents?

6.
What did Peter Parker ever really do to win over MJ? He says "Yeah, I told Spiderman I'm hot for you") and suddenly she's all over him like a rash. He takes her out once (for a $7.85 cheeseburger) and pisses off whenever she's in danger. She'd seen at school that he could pack a punch, so why didn't he go down that dark alley in the rain and strut his stuff? Then he could have had her based on who he was, rather than screwing around the way he did. And then he just blows her off, despite being madly in love with her. All that crap about "with great power comes great responsibility". So what? Doesn't mean he can't have her. She knows anyway.

7.
Can't change DNA on the run. Dodgy dodgy science. Radioactice spiders giving him powers: fine. But DNA changes? At best, Peter would have had to be turned into a soup and reformed overnight, a la caterpillars. And since he'd kept his pants on, they'd proably fuse to his body. Along with the carpet and blanket. Also, since it's a DNA thing, this means his kids will get half spiderman genes.

8.
It wasn't a freak accident that turned him into Spidey, so anyone could get bitten and turn. (If only he'd stepped on the spider, then knocked over a beaker of acid, destroying the research that had created the little critter.) The arachnid centre where they went on the school trip could become a Spiderperson factory. The (presumeably) evil head of the centre could have an army of Spider-minions. Then everyone would be in on the act. It'd be a fashion accessory. Then Peter would just be a nerd again.