The Sentinel; Transporter 2; Smokin' Aces; The Good Shepherd; .45; Vanilla Sky

Wow, I've been dead-set slack with the film reviews, especially considering I've watched so damned many in the past two months. So here's a quick run down on some of the worst:

The Sentinel (2.5 Money Trains)

If it weren't for the Chinese DVD lady coming to my door and flogging this to me for Dh10, I would never have seen it. It's about a US Secret Service guy (Michael Douglas) who is still feeling guilty that it took a passer-by to take down the guy who shot Reagan, and who gets framed for a plot to pop the current Prez. Keifer Sutherland plays the whispering Secret Service agent who is after the first guy, and Eva Longerina (whatever, the chick from Desperate Housewives) plays a totally redundant role. I'm not even sure she had a speaking part, now I think of it, but she is on the picture on the DVD holding a gun with the boys.

Looking back at my original scoring system, I'll have to give this 2.5 Money Trains, because it beats the crap out of Matrix Reloaded. It's a colour by numbers job and no obvious flaws that make reviewing these films such fun. (Except of course, everyone believes Michael Douglas's character is guilt despite a long service record, a total lack of motive and flimsy circumstantial evidence at best.)

Transporter 2 (3.0 Money Trains)

Yep, up there with Cliff Hanger. A fun film where David Stratham gets into more ridiculous situations involving fights and guns and, in this one, a plane that crashes into the sea mid-fight and he and the bad guy survive. Need I say more? Awesome flick. 3.0 MT

Smokin' Aces (3.0 Money Trains)

Another silly shoot-em-up film with a few big name actors getting covered in tomato sauce. Everyone's out to get some mafia guy - the FBI for evidence, a bunch of hitmen and hitwomen for cash. Things go balls up, lot's of characters die, often in amusing ways. And let's face it, any way that Ben Afleck's character dies is going to bring a smile to your lips. 3.0 MT

The Good Shepherd (0 Money Trains)

Lots of good actors, Robert De Niro directing, a plot about the CIA. Such potential. Such a glacial pace. This film came in at about 2.5 hours, I think, but it seemed longer. It didn't exactly depart from standard cinematic conventions, but it seemed like a one act film. God it was turgid. Zero Money Trains.

.45 (-2.0 Money Trains)

I read some reviews of this film on IMDB.com and people were gushing about the realistic acting in the scene where Milla Jovocich gets beaten by the boyfriend. To those people (who were probably only watching it hoping to get another glimpse of Milla's bits), I say see Once Were Warriors.

This film, according to the cover, is about a girl who plots to bump off her abusive boyfriend after the aforementioned bit of biffo. They are "gritty, seedy, criminal underbelly types" say this film's supporters, rather than the sanitised sort we normally see.

So the hell what? The characters are vacuous and one dimensional, as is the script and frankly, when the girl gets beaten up you find yourself not caring a jot. It was a this point I ejected the DVD and threw it in the bin. Don't waste your money or your time. -2.o MT

Vanilla Sky (unrated)

Haven't seen it. (Sorry Matt!) I did see Open Your Eyes, though, the original Spanish film it was based on and really liked it. You also get to see Penelope Cruz's knockers but it was done in such a way that you didn't know in the end if the guy was mad, if he was dreaming or if he was in a virtual world. (Well, I didn't know.) I'm told there was no such question in the American version, plus it had Tom Cruise, so it must be crap.