War Horse. 0MT / 1.0MT

Here's a shout out to Matt and a special request to review War Horse.


Oh
God
What
Tosh

Don't be fooled by the IMDB entry for this film. It is not about young Albert, going to war to find his horse, Joey, who was commandeered by the British Army. No, War Horse is about a magic horse who lurches from one ridiculous and cliché-ridden scenario to the next, all the while surviving bullets, barbed wire, explosions, more bullets, I think the blunt end of an axe nearly featured early on, and more explosions.

In other words, War Horse is an equine 007.


You see, as much as Steven Spielberg tries to dress this story up as one of heroic animal endurance, it is really one of murder and death. Just like with James Bond, anyone who gets close to Joey winds up dead. (With the exception of Albert, which makes him Moneypenny in this analogy.)

(At the same time, Joey is also a bit like Chewbacca: he can understand spoken English but can only go "neeeeiiighhhhh" in reply, which is ok, as everyone understands him back.)

To cut a long story short, every attempt is made to pull the heart strings, from the terminally ill French girl who comes to love the horse (after said horse cruelly runs into cannon fire to kill the British officer on his back, then connivingly tricks two German stablehands to desert their posts with him, resulting in their quick capture and execution); to the whinnying Joey in barbed wire in no-man's land (where he tricks to opposing soldiers to risk all to get at him); to the moment at the end where Albert is putting everything on the line to buy the horse back.

The climax of this bit is probably the happiest moment in the film. You see, the French girl's grandfather shows up out of the blue and outbids Albert because he wants something to help him to remember his granddaughter. Why's that? Because she died after falling in love with Joey The Evil Horse. But the granddad wakes up to Joey's plan in time and after some fake haggling, quickly hands the horse back to Albert for nothing, glad to be free of the obvious death sentence. And I liked the clichéd old fellow, so I'm happy he escaped a certain and painful mauling death by rabid dogs hiding around the next corner.


So, in summary, this film scores 0 Money Trains if viewed as a regular film about plucky courage; and 1.0 Money Trains if viewed with the horse as the evil protagonist.

The questions that remains with me after watching it are:
1. Is Joey more like 007, or the Sirens of Greek legend?
2. What the hell happened to Steven Spielberg? He used to do good films.

Alice in Wonderland

I was clearing out some emails and realised I had another guest review from my mate Stephen to publish. It is written in the style of the Jaberwoki which plays so big a part in the film.

`Twas brill, and the silly tale
 
was dire and bimbled in the Middle:

All whimsy were the other fails,
 
And the none as got the tale.


"Beware the Alicecrock, my son!
 
The bore t'fight, the point t'catch!

Beware the red head bird, and shun
 
The funnyless story snatch!"

We took the 3D warpin specs in hand:
 
Long time the maxim o'Burton sought

So rested we by the humdum be,
 
And sat awhile in thought.

And, as if in chocolate factory stood,
 
The Jonny Depp, with eyes of vacant fame,

And character though just as good,
 
Why must it always be the same!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
 
The first half it went snicker-snack!

He knocked 'em dead, and with whit he said

but the second half umph did lack.

"And, as I've seen the Alicecrock
 
Come to my side, look for my joy!

O it lost its way! clever long the way!'
 
I chortled in less joy.


`Twas brill, and the silly tale
 
was dire and bimbled in the Middle:

All whimsy where the story sails,
 
but 'til for disc on sales.

Sharks and More Sharks

Sharktopus -3.5 MT

It's called Sharktopus. What else do you need to know?

OK, mad scientists working for the Navy make a sharktopus which is controlled by a device superglued to its head, (like Dr Octopus in Spiderman 2).  Naturally, this is knocked off early on, and the sharktopus heads to Mexico for Spring Break with mad scientist, hot daughter, rugged hero and various others in pursuit. Most people die, most of them amusingly. The sharktopus can roar and get around on land for a bit. Who will win? The plucky heroes or the sharktopus? From the same cinematic stable as "Dinocroc vs Supergator" and "Piranhaconda".

Sand Sharks -3.0 MT

Sand sharks are sharks that swim in the sand. Hence the beach is not safe. What else do you need to know?

The great thing about this movie is the storyline involving the mayor's deadbeat son who wants to put the small seaside town on the map by throwing a party to rival "Burning Man". The last time he threw a party, apparently, several people died. The party, when staged against the advice of all sane people who point out that there are sand sharks swimming in the beach, has about 30 people. It's like the party scene in "Revenge of the Party Nerds".

Despite the presence of sand sharks and a high casualty rate, no one seems particularly disturbed by seeing death close up.

This scores slightly higher than Sharktopus because of the crusty old sailor who volunteers to catch the sharks, just like in Jaws.

Both movies unfortunately lack gratuitous nudity.

Perfect Sense 2.0 Money Trains

I just saw this last night. It was ok, and I'm only posting it because all I could think of was how best to paraphrase Kryton from Red Dwarf.

Perfect Sense (2012). It's the same old story: Boy meets girl, girl loses sense of smell, boy loses sense of smell, boy and girl then lose sense of taste, boy loses sense of hearing, boy loses girl, girl loses sense of hearing, boy gets girl back again, boy and girl lose sense of sight. How many times have we heard it before?

Seriously, though, this film is nihilistic like a South Korean movie. Sympathy for Mr Vengeance, anyone? And the writers obviously didn't really understand how closely smell and taste are related, or just what it would take to lose a sense of smell.

I give it 2.0MT because I preferred Cliff Hanger. 

Man on a Ledge 1.5 Money Trains

Anyone see Man on a Ledge? A bloke is convicted of stealing the world's largest diamond, implausibly gets out, then creates a massive diversion to prove his innocence? No? Good call.

Let's overlook the obvious physical pitfalls of this film, such as air conditioning ducts that are large enough to crawl through, because that does give the smoking hot girlfriend a chance to Catherine Zeta-Jones her way to the safe (which is then opened in about 30 seconds flat), or the likelihood of jumping off a 20 storey building into an inflated crash pad across the street and walking - nay, running - away, and focus on the crux of the movie:

Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington with a horrible American accent) was nailed by corrupt cops in league with the massively-headed Ed Harris (seriously, check out the size of his noggin on his little body) for stealing a diamond. Convinced Ed the Head still has it, he organises its theft, winds up having to give it back, and then, in desperation, leaps of a building, chases The Head down and then, in a close-fought tussle, slips it out of The Head's jacket pocket and holds it up to the crowd and says "Aha! Told you so!" He is then let free while the baddie is arrested.

Or, as law enforcement would see it:

Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington with a horrible American accent) stole a diamond from an upstanding member of the community - with a big head. He then makes a scene, makes outrageous accusations about Ed the Head, jumps off a building in order to engage in fisticuffs with The Head, and in the scuffle produces from who-knows where, a diamond he was accused of stealing in the first place, and so was likely to have had the whole time. He should be arrested again.

This movie kills some time. 1.5 MT

Animal Kingdom -2.0 Money Trains

I am back. I have seen a terrible, terrible Australian movie and had to warn the world.

Animal Kingdom is rotten. Let's call it a reimagining of the Pettingill story, which the ABC did so much better in the 1990s with "Janus". Anyway, it's about a seemingly autistic teenager, Josh, who falls in with his criminal relatives after his mother ODs while he's watching TV.

(I saw autistic, but maybe the director was trying for "brooding teenager" and gave the direction "pretend you just had a pick axe get imbedded in your frontal lobe after a farming accident." If so, the young bloke playing Josh did wonderfully.)

But the reason it's on the blog is the terrible logical inconsistency running through the film. (That and the crap acting and the countless slow motion sequences.) To wit:


1. The cops are crooked and are gunning down known criminals, hence the big brother of the crime family, Pope, is in hiding as the cops have enough dirt on him to warrant an execution.

2. The police are watching, and are presumed to have bugged the house of 2nd brother, Baz. Remember that: bugged.

3. Pope and Baz  go to the supermarket, a really low-key place for someone in hiding. The cops are waiting and gun down Baz, leaving Pope to wander off and later attend Baz's funeral with the cops watching. Why don't they arrest him? (In fact, in the previous scene, Baz told his wife he was going to the supermarket, so I guess he was bugged.)

4. In retaliation, Pope and the other brothers reinact the Walsh St killings and are almost immediately arrested.

5. They are then let go, presumably for lack of evidence, despite the cops knowing where they lived, having a good idea who did it, and having the ability to bug a house, which it seems they didn't do.

6. I mean come on. 3rd Brother, Craig, gets gunned down after the house of an associate was bugged and the cops roll in. But the one house where everyone seems to live and openly discusses their nefarious plans, and even kills people, ISN'T bugged.

7. Remember points 1 and 4: Pope, the guy facing a hit squad because of the evidence against him is arrested and then let go. COME ON!

8. While the Special Operations Group police, in full black-ops gear, arrest the entire family, (in the movie's 317th slow motion sequence), the crime matriarch, Jackie Weaver, is left alone to drink a cup of tea unmolested. She's a crime matriarch, the Soggies are going in, why is someone left alone to boil the kettle for herself. COME ON!

9. Let's get this straight: Baz's house is bugged. Craig's weirdo farm-owning associate's house is bugged. Crime central is not.

Yeah so anyway, if you can explain that, I'd love to hear it.  This is truly a film where you will not give two hoots about a single soul in it. Oh god, looking back, it's like Zach Braff tried to direct Wesley Snipes and Keanu Reeves in a period drama after watching too many John Woo movies. God it's bad.

-2.0 Money Trains